Are you heading for a night out with friends? Or perhaps you are taking part in a virtual happy hour?
Whatever you have lined up, it’s always a good idea to have a few jokes up your sleeve.
A great way to break the ice put everyone at ease and lighten the mood, jokes are all about the delivery.
So if you want to impress the people you are going to meet up with, why not practice some of these beauties before your night out?
Best jokes for your next night out
1. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
2. If I had a dollar for every time a woman swiped left on me on Tinder….
I’d probably get a lot more Tinder dates!
3. What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?
They are both Paris sites!
4. How does a penguin build their home?
Igloos it together!
5. Apparently they have just invented a chocolate record player.
It sounds pretty sweet to me!
6. Which type of bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
7. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey…but thankfully I turned myself around.
8. I was walking along a street the other day where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
Man, that was a real trip down memory lane!
9. I bought a portrait of Diana Ross yesterday that I want to hang on my wall.
However, it is proving difficult at the moment as there just ain’t no mounting high enough…
10. My boyfriend asked me to buy 6 cans of Sprite from the supermarket earlier today.
But when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up!
11. I know some really good jokes about umbrellas, although they usually go over people’s heads!
12. What is the best thing about Switzerland?
I’m not sure, although the flag is a big plus!
13. How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
14. Ever notice how similar bread is to the sun?
Well, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist!
15. My girlfriend is going to see a Beatles tribute act on the Isle of Wight.
I guess she’s got a ticket to Ryde!
16. I used to hate the thought of me sporting a beard, but then it grew on me!
17. One of my favourite memories as a child was when dad used to put me in a car tire and roll me down the hill.
Mate, those were Goodyears!
18. I have never trusted trees.
They seem kind of shady!
19. I recently won first place in an Elvis competition! My prize was either a cash prize of $100 or tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.
To claim it, I had to phone 1-800-Elvis and then press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!
20. My local toy shop had a big Lego sale last weekend.
People were lined up for blocks!
21. I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation as a new hobby.
I just figure it is better than sitting around doing nothing.
22. Lance is not a common name for boys these days.
Although back in medieval times people were named Lance a Lot!
23. For some reason the bank keeps calling to compliment me on my gymnastic ability.
They say I have an ‘outstanding balance!’
24. Apparently the guy who invented the knock-knock joke is finally being recognised for his achievement?
He has been awarded the ‘no-bell’ prize!
25. Halfway through eating dinner at an Indian restaurant last night the waiter came up to me and asked;
‘Curry OK?’
I replied ‘Maybe, what songs do you have?’
26. I don’t like taking the stairs.
My experiences with them are very up and down!
27. My best friend told me I should write a book.
I told her that is a novel concept!
28. Two weeks ago I sent my hearing aid in to be repaired.
I have heard nothing since!
29. How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you will see later, the other in a while!
30. I once got assaulted by an Elvis impersonator.
It left me all shook up…
31. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
32. My cat always gets really excited when I put the film ‘Flashdance’ on…
What a feline!
33. Why do dads always tell such bad jokes?
They just want to help you become a groan up!
34. My girlfriend asked me ‘is it just me or is the cat getting fat?’
Apparently, saying ‘no it’s just you’ was not the correct answer!
35. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracabrador.
36. ‘What do you call a pony with a sore throat?’
‘A little hoarse’
37. An ice cream van crashed on my road this morning.
The whole area has been coned off!
38. What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two!
39. People said my obsession with Phil Collins will hold me back in life.
But take a look at me now!
40. What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!
41. What is the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Via Live stream!
42. My friend went for an interview with an airline in Helsinki 2 years ago, but I have not been seen since.
He has just vanished into Finnair…!
43. My headmaster told me I’d never amount to much in life on account of my procrastination.
I told him, ‘Just you wait!’
44. Some idiot glued every single card in my deck together so now it is now just a block of cardboard.
I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it!
45. I wouldn’t buy anything made with velcro.
It’s just a total rip-off!
46. Some people claim filling animals with helium is morally wrong.
But I say, whatever floats your goat…!
47. I stayed up all last night trying to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me!
48. I just got back from competing in the ‘Sun Tanning World Championship’.
I got bronze!
49. Did you hear about the optician who made the biggest pair of glasses in the world?
It was a huge spectacle!
50. Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns.
That’s just how eye roll!
So there you have it!
Our selection of 50 of the best jokes to get everyone laughing on your next night out.
Tell any of these and you are sure to set the tone for a fun evening!